The weird, wild and wacky in golf this year

With respect and homage to the good folks at Esquire and their annual Dubious Achievement Awards, allow us to present some out-of-the-ordinary moments in the golf world in 2013.

Maybe he meant to say ‘dentally’

After walking off the course while playing the ninth hole of his second round in the Honda Classic, Rory McIlroy told reporters, “I’m not in a good place mentally.” He later listed his reason for withdrawal as a sore wisdom tooth.

He thought he’d heard it takes big tentacles to win the U.S. Open

In contention at Merion, Billy Horschel showed up for the final round wearing navy trousers with large white octopi plastered all over them.

He must be nuts

During the first day of the Presidents Cup, assistant captain Davis Love III befriended a squirrel later named Sammy, keeping him in his pocket throughout the day.

She must be really nuts

Later that day, Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn placed Sammy on the unknowing shoulder of her boyfriend Tiger Woods, much to his immediate displeasure.

Hey, at least Sammy didn’t bite

Daniela Holmqvist used a tee to squeeze out venom from a spider bite during the Women’sustralian Open. “It wasn’t the prettiest thing I've ever done,” she confessed, “but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible.”

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That makes two of you

After hitting his tee shot on the final hole of the PGA Championship into a fan’s back pocket, Jonas Blixt said, “I’m just glad it didn’t plug.”

‘I don’t know what to do with my hands!’

The act of “Dufnering” became an Internet sensation when Jason Dufner was photographed sitting on his hands with a glazed-over look in his eyes while working with students in a Texas classroom.

Now this is ‘Dufnering’

When shock-jock radio host Howard Stern asked Jason Dufner about his post-PGA victory celebration with wife Amanda, the laid-back champion casually replied, “Yeah, I grabbed her butt.”

Or roughly the equivalent of two-and-a-half butts

In the same interview, Dufner revealed that the Wanamaker Trophy can hold exactly 43 beers.

Sheesh. Didn’t he learn anything as a kid?

Asked about his ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ handshake with partner Tiger Woods at the Presidents Cup, Matt Kuchar explained, “This guy was the perfect Carlton.” Great quote – except Woods was actually playing the part of DJ Jazzy Jeff in this celebration.

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So … last night then?

Ye Wocheng, a 12-year-old who qualified for the China Open, said, “I’ve dreamed of this since I was a boy.”

In his defense, autocorrect changed it from, ‘Don’t you linger out in the grass’

After Tiger Woods won the Arnold Palmer Invitational, Rory McIlroy sent him a congratulatory text message. In response, Woods texted that it was his turn to win, telling McIlroy, “Get your finger out of your a--.”

On the bright side, the locusts held off

Twenty-two different PGA Tour events were marred by weather delays during the 2013 season, including wind at Kapalua, snow in Tucson and flash-flooding at Bay Hill.

The figurative definition of grabbing a bite at the turn

Midway through her third round of the Women’s British Open, Jessica Korda fired caddie Jason Gilroyed. “I knew I needed a switch,” she said. “It just wasn’t working out.”

Orange you glad you don’t have to wear it again?

Blixt playfully dressed like playing partner Rickie Fowler for the final round of The Barclays, but the joke was on him. Blixt shot an 81 in the all-orange, too-tight get-up, then revealed his plans for the clothes afterward: “I was going to burn them.”

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And the rest of us immediately felt terrible about ourselves

At the age of 77, Gary Player posed nude for the cover of ESPN The Magazine.

He also recommends lots of naked sit-ups

Player offered some unsolicited advice for McIlroy on his love life and potential choice of spouse. “If he finds the right wife, if he practices and if he’s dedicated,” Player promised, “he could be the man.”

But they were both looking at him funny

Henrik Stenson destroyed his driver on the course at the BMW Championship, and then took out his frustrations on a Conway Farms locker.

And they love to eat asparagus, just like Robert Garrigus

The band Golf Boys – comprised of Ben Crane, Bubba Watson, Hunter Mahan and Fowler – released a second single called “2.Oh,” which includes lyrics such as, “I got a drippy faucet on my Stewie Stewie Cink” and “I took a vacay at Sang-Moon Bae.”

He now believes in crocodiles, too

Amateur golfer Dougie Thomson of Scotland was vacationing in Cancun when he was attacked by a 12-foot crocodile on a golf course. He survived the attack thanks to friends who beat the animal with golf clubs and ran it over with a cart. “It’s only by the grace of God I’m alive,” Thomson said, “and I’m an atheist.”

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Was that the temperature or a local radio station?

Indiana assistant club pro Michael Bembenick shot a second-round 103 at the Web.com Tour’s United Leasing Championship.

Well, he’s no Michael Bembenick

Long-drive competitor Maurice Allen shot a second-round 115 at the PGA Tour LatinoAmerica’s Dominican Republic Open.

Even Miley Cyrus was kind of offended

In contention at the Open Championship, Miguel Angel Jimenez continued his unique stretching routine on the practice range – a strange combination of yoga and twerking, always accompanied by a lit cigar.

And the leader for Most Ignorant Comment of the Year honors is …

Asked about making amends after a tiff with multi-cultural Tiger Woods, Sergio Garcia answered, “We will have him ’round every night. We will serve fried chicken.”

And the new leader for Most Ignorant Comment of the Year honors is …

In defense of Garcia, European Tour executive director George O’Grady said, “Most of Sergio’s friends in the States happen to be colored athletes.”

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He then had meatloaf for lunch – and he hates meatloaf

Padraig Harrington started using a belly putter at the Wells Fargo Championship, even though he is fundamentally opposed to the club’s legality. “I don’t support the belly putter,” he said. “I think it’s bad for the game of golf.”

Paramor then lectured about how in his day, he would walk 10 miles uphill in the snow on every hole – and still go faster than him

Tianlang Guan, 14, was assessed a one-stroke penalty for slow play by rules official John Paramor at the Masters.

What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas

In his 2013-14 season debut, Jhonattan Vegas was docked two strokes at the Frys.com Open for being late to his tee time after making a pit stop at a restroom.

Or as he likes to tell people, ‘I had three 1s on my scorecard’

During the third round of the World Cup of Golf, Stuart Manley posted a hole-in-one on the third hole, and then followed with a septuple-bogey 11 on the fourth.

Which means a green jacket is now only the second-coolest thing that he owns

Watson helped design a Hovercraft golf cart that can easily drive through water hazards.

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Where’s that Hovercraft when you need one?

In contention at The Players Championship, Garcia hit two shots into the water at the 17^th hole and another on the 18^th to drop six strokes on the final two holes and finish in a share of eighth place.

Meanwhile, Tebow’s list of teams who won’t sign him is just the golfer’s last name

Matt Every competed in the Deutsche Bank Championshipwith Tim Tebow’s name and number and the New England Patriots logo on his golf bag, days after Tebow was released by the team just a few miles away in Foxborough.

If that was the case, more caddies would try to marry their players

Patrick Reed won the Wyndham Championship with wife Justine on the bag. She later joked that she’d take 100 percent of the winnings for her caddie fee.

It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it

Arnold Palmer gave supermodel and beginning golfer Kate Upton an introductory swing lesson.

In related news, David Blaine is now the Masters favorite

In November, the USGA announced Decision 18/4, which states that “where enhanced technological evidence (e.g. HDTV, digital recording or online visual media, etc.) shows that a ball has left its position and come to rest in another location, the ball will not be deemed to have moved if that movement was not reasonably discernible to the naked eye at the time.”

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Apparently Tumbledown Trails is like school in summer: No class

Wisconsin golf course Tumbledown Trails offered a $9.11 green fee for nine holes to “commemorate” the anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks.

And that death stare? Total coincidence

Following an errant approach shot into the 12^th hole during the third round of the AT&T National, D.H. Lee turned toward the gallery and gestured with his middle finger. “I am sorry,” he later said. “It was just frustration. It was not directed at anyone.”

In response, California complained that Mickelson still can’t win the U.S. Open

During the Humana Challenge, Phil Mickelson complained about the high tax rate in his home state of California.

Just call her ‘million-dollar baby’

Leading the RBC Canadian Open through 36 holes, Hunter Mahan withdrew from the tournament to fly home to Texas and witness the birth of his first child, a girl named Zoe.

Don’t most people play more golf when they retire?

Enjoying what he called “semi-retirement,” Steve Stricker played just 13 times, but had eight top-10s, including four runner-up finishes.

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He then added, ‘But that was before he couldn’t find a fairway with a compass’

Speaking at the global G8 summit in Northern Ireland in June, President Obama said, “I did meet Rory McIlroy last year and Rory offered to get my swing sorted.”

Unlike most political issues, this one crosses party lines

Former president George W. Bush voiced support for President Obama playing more rounds of golf while in office. “I know what it’s like to be in the bubble,” he said. “It does give you an outlet.”

But she’s definitely not giving up her 11-wood

D.A. Points won the Shell Houston Open while using a Ping Anser putter that he stole out of his mother Mary Jo’s golf bag when he was 11 years old. He said after the victory, “I think Mom is just fine with me having it.”

And for an encore? The entire ‘Thriller’ video

After making birdie during the final round of the Waste Management Phoenix Open at the overpopulated and over-served 16^th hole, James Hahn celebrated in front of the gallery by doing the Gangnam Style dance. “Every time that song comes on, my friends want me to do the dance,” he later said. “It’s like, ‘James, it’s your song. You have to dance.’ And I seriously don’t know how to do the dance. So I was like, I think this is what he does. I’ve seen it a couple of times. It’s all fun. Even if I didn’t do it correctly, I was committed to putting on a show.”

Even Johnny Manziel wouldn’t sign that card

Texas A&M was assessed a one-stroke penalty for slow play in the final round of qualifying prior to the match-play portion of the NCAA Championship. The team was later prevented from advancing when it lost a four-for-three playoff for the final spots.

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Here’s an idea: Don’t read the entire title while standing on the first tee

The USGA hosted a symposium in November titled, “While We’re Young: Golf’s Pursuit of a New Paradigm for Pace of Play.”

Now that’s how you curb slow play

With host site Ocean Club Golf Course saturated from flooding, the LPGA’s Pure Silk-Bahamas LPGA Classic was shortened to three 12-hole rounds.

It was the best 42 of her life

Ilhee Lee won the Pure Silk-Bahamas tournament by posting a final-round score of 5-under 42.

That wouldn’t even have won the Pure Silk Classic

In the third round of the Memorial Tournament, Woods posted a front-nine score of 44 – the worst nine-hole total of his professional career.

Hey, it beats being grumpy, dopey or … wipey

In a television interview, Lindsey Vonn referred to boyfriend Woods’ personality as “dorky goofy.”

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Sooo, you’re saying you don’t like it?

When asked for his thoughts on the course setup at Merion during the U.S. Open, Zach Johnson replied, “I would describe the whole golf course as manipulated. It just enhances my disdain for the USGA and how it manipulates golf courses.”

Actually, you don’t

Watson posted a septuple-bogey 10 on the par-3 12^th hole during the final round of the Masters. “If you’re not going to win,” he explained, “you’ve got to get into the record books somehow.”

Whoa. Hold on, dude. We’re still looking up ‘bifurcation’

In speaking of the impending joint anchoring ban from the USGA and R&A in January, PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem explained, “Our objective always has been to try our best to follow the rules as promulgated by the USGA and R&A.”

Sounds like Tiger is confusing Jack with a member of the media

Debunking the widely held notion that the game’s two leading career major championship winners have a close relationship, Jack Nicklaus said of Woods, “I never really had a conversation with Tiger that lasted more than a minute or two. Ever.”

Scott hot at Australian Open with 1st-round 62

SYDNEY (AP) Adam Scott birdied his first six holes en route to a course-record 10-under 62 at Royal Sydney on Thursday to take a three-stroke lead after the first round of the Australian Open.

Scott is attempting to join Robert Allenby as the only golfers to win all three Australian majors in the same year. Allenby won the Australian PGA, Australian Masters and Australian Open in 2005.

Scott broke the previous Royal Sydney mark of 65 set by five players at the 2008 Australian Open. After Scott's opening birdie run, he made par on the next eight holes before birdieing his final four.

"The longest putt I had on those opening birdies was about 5 feet," Scott said. "I hit a lot of quality shots right out of the blocks this morning."

Canadian Ryan Yip and American John Young Kim each shot 65s and were tied for second. David McKenzie had a 66 while two-time champion Aaron Baddeley was in a group with 67s.

"I like to see the ball running and that's what this course offers me," said Yip, a regular on the Canadian Tour.

Rory McIlroy opened with a 69 in his bid for his first win of the year. He made the turn at 2-under, bogeyed 11 and 12, but had three birdies in his final seven holes, including on No. 18.

American Kevin Streelman, who played with Matt Kuchar on the runner-up American team in last week's World Cup at Royal Melbourne, shot 70 playing in the same group as Scott and Jason Day.

Day, who won the individual stroke play at the World Cup, also shot 70.

Scott could not recall starting any round with six birdies, thinking that he once had five in a row to start a round in Qatar. He finished his round Thursday with an approach to nearly tap-in range on the ninth.

"I'm off to a good start, but a lot of work to do yet," Scott said. "It's been a long time since I shot a low round like this. It's a tough setup, but it was a perfect morning for it."

Most of the best scores Thursday came in the morning groups as the wind picked up in the afternoon. Similar weather conditions are forecast for Friday when Scott will play in the afternoon.

Scott won the Australian PGA and Australian Masters before sharing the World Cup team trophy with Day last week at Royal Melbourne.

Madsen leads at Alfred Dunhill

MALELANE, South Africa (AP) Morten Orum Madsen leads the Alfred Dunhill Championship after shooting a 7-under 65 in the opening round at Leopard Creek.

The Dane followed up his first European Tour title last weekend with eight birdies and just a single dropped shot on Thursday for a one-stroke advantage over South Africa's Allan Versfeld and Portugal's Ricardo Santos.

Defending champion Charl Schwartzel was in a four-way tie for fourth after a 68, while American John Daly shot a 72 for a tie for 48th in his second tournament back from right elbow surgery in July.

Madsen came from behind to win the South African Open last weekend but was out in front early at the second event on the 2014 Race to Dubai. A bogey at the par-3 seventh was his only blemish.

"I have a lot of confidence right now," he said. "I really believe I am going to hit good shots on pretty much every shot."

Versfeld carded an eagle and four birdies in a bogey-free round, while Santos finished with an eagle to add to four birdies.

Schwartzel had seven birdies, including five on his first six holes, but the 2011 Masters champion failed to fully capitalize on the fast start by making a bogey and a double-bogey around the turn. Starting at No. 10, he dropped his first shot on No. 17 and then double-bogeyed the par-4 first.

Schwartzel won here by 12 shots a year ago and has also finished second four times at the Leopard Creek course in northern South Africa.

Daly made his return to golf at the BMW Masters in China last month after surgery to repair a damaged tendon in his elbow. He struggled for consistency Thursday with two bogeys and a birdie going out and two birdies and a bogey coming home.

Hull three off the pace in Delhi

Valentine Derrey of France fired a flawless six-under-par 66 to share the opening round lead with Thidapa Suwannapura of Thailand at the Hero Women's Indian Open.

Derrey, the 2011 Tate and Lyle Players' Champion on the US Symetra Tour, is yet to win on the Ladies European Tour, but her game is in the ascendancy after third and second place finishes at the Helsingborg Open and Lacoste Ladies Open de France in September and October respectively.

The 26-year-old from Paris is hoping to go one place better this month and adopted a target golf style of play to record six birdies on the tight and treacherous course at Delhi Golf Club, whose narrow fairways are surrounded by dense foliage.

Also playing in the afternoon, in temperatures topping 28C, fellow former Symetra Tour winner Suwannapura carded seven birdies and one bogey on the par-3 7th after finding a bunker.

Hannah Jun of the United States placed third on 68, four-under-par, while Ladies European Tour rookie professional Charley Hull from England was a further shot back in outright fourth.

Patience paid off for Derrey, who enjoyed the challenging golf course. "I played pretty steady and made six birdies. I hit 10 fairways, 15 greens, made 27 putts. I didn't really make any mistakes. I made everything. Hopefully it stays like that tomorrow."

Derrey used her driver seven or eight times and hit the ball straight. "I knew I was playing well the last few months. I made some putts and six under," she continued. "My driving was good and I hit 10 fairways. I missed four but close to the fairway."

Two Asian pros tied for fifth spot - Titiya Plucksataporn of Thailand and South Korean Bo Mi Suh.

Thai pros have traditionally fared well in this tournament - with Pornanong Phatlum having won three times in 2008, 2009 and 2012 at DLF Golf Club in Gurgaon - before the event moved to Delhi Golf Club for the first time this year.

Sunawannapura, 21, hopes to continue the Thai success story and said: "Today I was hitting it straight all the way: that was the key to my game."

Jun, 28, from California, played her first nine holes in level par but picked up four birdies in five holes from the second on her inward nine.

"There are a lot of tee shots which are pretty tight on that back side so once I got through the back, the front nine is pretty score-able in terms of aiming at pins and hitting fairways so I was a little more aggressive on the back and it worked out," said Jun, whose career best finish on the LET is a tie for second at the 2011 Ladies Scottish Open.

Hull, the youngest professional in the field at 17, had few expectations and kept things simple.

"I hit it pretty good. I didn't hit it that well in the practice rounds and on the range it was the worst I've ever hit it in my life but I went out there and flushed it again so I'm feeling pretty happy with my game," said Hull.

The Solheim Cup heroine is hoping to clinch her first victory in India this week after posting five straight runner-up finishes at the start of the season."

VICTOR DRIVES STRAIGHT INTO DUNHILL LEAD

Frenchman Victor Riu overcame a double-bogey five on the 16th at Leopard Creek on Thursday to fire a four-under-par 68 to take a share of the early first round lead of the Alfred Dunhill Championship.

He shared that lead in the €1.5-million tournament co-sanctioned by the Sunshine Tour and the European Tour with defending champion Charl Schwartzel, and led by one from England’s Danny Willett, James Kingston and Gareth Maybin of Northern Ireland.

“It was just one mistake on the 16th,” said Riu. “I hit a really poor shot which went straight in the water, and without that, it was a very good day. I’m very happy, and feeling good with my game after I didn’t play well last week.”

Riu missed the cut in the South African Open Championship last week after rounds of 71 and 74. “Last week was my first event on the European Tour for this year,” he said, “and I was on a break in France for two weeks and I couldn’t train a lot because it was very cold.

“So it was a tough start for me, and after I missed the cut, I had last weekend and Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to practice and it was much better today. I’ve got a bit more confidence.”

Schwartzel was less pleased with his 68, opting not to speak to television or reporters after his 68 which included a double-bogey six on the first hole – he started on the 10th – and a bogey on 17. His troubles seemed to come from his driver, which left him right of the fairway in the rough on 17 where bogey was eventually a good score. He was also right of the fairway on 18, the 495-metre (541-yard) par-five with the island green which was playing easiest of all at Leopard Creek during the first round. He ended up with a par there when eagle was a possibility and birdie should have been a given. And he missed the fairway on one too.

It was a breezy, overcast and cool morning – very un-Leopard Creek-like weather – and that factored into the scores as players battled to get the ball to fly as far as it usually does at the course in the heat.

“The course was playing very long, because the ball wasn’t running while it was cool this morning,” said Riu. “But I was very happy with my driving. I was consistent and I was very straight.”

Schwartzel will want to take a leaf out of that book for his second round.

Australian Open: Adam Scott holds a three-shot lead after a course record 62

Adam Scott fired a course record 62 to take the lead after the first round of the Australian Open in Sydney.

Scott is looking to become only the second player to land the Australian PGA, Masters and Open title in the same season, and at three shots clear is bang on course for the hat-trick.

The US Masters champion had a strange round, birdieing the first six holes, parring the next eight, before finishing strongly with four more birdies.

"It was a beautiful day for golf, I came out hitting great shots and didn't have much work to do to clean them up in the first five holes and had a nice putt on my sixth hole and I was really rolling at that stage," he said.

"But I think I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotion out there today from cruising after six holes to having to work pretty hard.

"Nothing much was going my way, I missed a green, felt like my swing was leaving me again, it's just amazing how in 18 holes you can do a 360 degrees of emotion and mood swings and everything."

Canadian Ryan Yip shot 65 to tie the previous record and was in second place. David McKenzie had a 66 while two-time champion Aaron Baddeley was in a group with 67s tied for fourth.

Rory McIlroy, trying to win for the first time this year, shot 69, seven behind Scott. The Northern Irishman made the turn at two-under, bogeyed 11 and 12 but had three birdies in his final seven holes, including on the 18th.

He took 29 putts and admitted he was disappointed at his return.

"I drove the ball pretty well off the tee but just didn't get any reward on the greens," he said. "I missed three short ones and that was just wasteful as I felt it could have been a lot lower, given that I am driving the ball the best I feel I ever had.

"It's just a matter of being more efficient and putting better, and that's really it as I only played the par fives in one under par, and the way I am driving it, I should be playing those in four under."

Kevin Streelman, who played with Matt Kuchar on the runner-up American team in last week's World Cup at Royal Melbourne, shot 70 playing in the same group as Scott and Jason Day, who also carded 70.

Ashes: Rory McIlroy backing Australia to continue winning ways in Adelaide

Rory McIlroy admits he is taking more enjoyment out of the current Ashes series than he is from his exploits on the golf course.

After completing what he described as a 'wasteful' round on the opening day of the Australian Open, the Northern Irishman mimicked Andy Murray when asked who he was following in the cricket.

Wimbledon champion Murray once said he'd back whoever England faced during World Cup matches and McIlroy, who posted a first-round 69 in Sydney to lie seven shots behind Adam Scott, joked: "I suppose it's anyone but England.

"I must say I do like it when the Ashes comes around and I watched the cricket from Brisbane last week.

"I have always been interested in the Ashes and when I was back home a few years ago I remember getting up at midnight to watch the first ball bowled in the Boxing Day Test match.

"The Aussies had a pretty convincing victory up there in Brisbane... so hopefully more of the same (in Adelaide).

"The sledging this year has been a bit worse than other years. It looks like they are having a go at each other after every ball and it would be really tough to take that for too long."

Of his round, McIlroy, who is without a tournament victory this year and has slipped to No 6 in the world, said: "I left three or four short putts out there which was just wasteful.

"I felt it could have been a lot lower. Off the tee, I'm driving the ball the best I ever have, it's just a matter of being more efficient and scoring better.

"And when you see someone at 10 under par, especially when you see it's Adam Scott, I felt like I was in neutral at three under and not making birdies."